The One Where I Beat Up the Hiltons

I was living at my parents’ house, and our neighbor on the next street (Marlene) whose family we were close to was doing some work on their house. So, my family (Mom, Dad, Dawn and me) went over and started taking stuff from their house… like shoveling those little rocks used instead of mulch or for driveways into a big wheelbarrow or container. But we were also taking furniture and stuff from their attic. I got the impression that we had taken it before, like maybe we took it, they took it back, and back again, or something like that.

We apparently needed this stuff to make updates to our own house. There were contractors or other workmen at Marlene’s house and they were coming and going, but kind of just ignored them and they mostly ignored us. But when we were down filling up our container, we had to leave the attic (I think we had to go upstairs!) and we had to wait for a guy with a ladder to go up first. He hesitated, as if to think about letting us go first, but another guy said that we were there all the time taking stuff and to just go ahead of us, like we could wait. Marlene ended up catching us and getting mad, but I was getting mad too saying that I didn’t want to do this anymore. My mom was just kind of explaining to Marlene that we needed to do work on our own house and we needed the stuff. She was like, “Oh, we’re just going to redo our living room a little bit…” But when Marlene saw the ton of stuff we had, she was like, “A little bit??”

Then I was outside in Marlene’s driveway and the Hilton sisters were living next door. They came over and were going to kick our asses for stealing stuff or something to that effect. Nikki told me they were going to do a move on me where they both give me a headbutt to the chest (I guess like the world cup guy), and I said, “Go ahead, try it.” So they went to try it, but I grabbed them each by the back of the neck and bashed their heads together. Then I grabbed them both by the throat and lifted them off the ground and said, “Did you know I was a world champion martial artist?” Nikki kind of rolled her eyes and said yes, so I threw them to the ground and proceeded to beat the living hell out of the two of them. I remember thinking I could say that I bitch-slapped Paris Hilton so I proceeded to do that several times, just to make sure… back and forth – you know, regular slap, bitch slap, regular slap, bitch slap. I did much more than slap, though, I was punching and elbowing… I slapped Paris a lot, but I think I beat up Nikki more… as if I liked her a lot less.